Sept 3 2011. The email I SHOULD HAVE SENT

Reality (Photo credit: Beatnic)

hey babe,

So…I’ve been a fucking doormat this whole trip back. Really i think it started after you stayed here the first time. You have pushed me away, cut me down, made me feel insecure countless times. Yet there has been other times you have treated me like a princess. Made me feel more amazing than I have felt in years. Usually though, those are nights you are intoxicated and we’re having sex..so I ask myself…is that even real. Or is that just saying what I want to hear to get laid.

You have been my “escape” from reality since we met. Originally..you made me smile and better yet laugh. Then our chats online prior to meeting..were nice. Wasn’t able to have a REAL life…but I had this, what seemed to be a great “cyber” friendship. Unlike this summer, I could discuss shit I was ghoing through with out feeling insecure about your reaction.

When we met, you were nothing like I had expected. We both know it was amazing. Again though..escaping from reality. My ex was here, so we could see each other when we wanted to. Made things more desirable. Our online chats were amazing and hot..and fun. I had not felt that HAPPY in years….

But then we slept together. Everything changed. As happens anytime two people have sex too soon. You changed. At least to how you treated me. I remember saying to you online that “my reality” might scare you..and you’re reply at that point..was “you would be lucky to be part of my reality”( something like that)…You made comments about meeting ur family, doing things together…

Then you spent the night…and you saw MY reality. I felt your energy shift and you did get distant. And, this trip back you have admitted that you didn’t know where this was going.

I feel like the shittiest mother ever! I became that woman I swore I would never be. You have went out of your way, especially last time we saw each other to tell me how “indifferent” and how you “just wouldn’t deal with” and how “even your friends don’t want kids..except for Kevin” And what did I do, I acted like a pathetic insecure single mom…because I fell for you. Because when I’m with you…I don’t think about the shit I can’t control.

You have said countless times, that you don’t care on the level I deserve. Which to me means, you liked me, until I became this pathetic woman who allows you to walk all over me. Never in my years have I been like this. all I can chalk it up to is my current situation being so stressful and when I’m with you…USUALLY…..You can make me feel AMAZING.

The way you look at me when you WANT to be GOOD to me, is amazing. But when you want to be cruel, oh your good at that too. I have been more sad this summer since we met than I was my whole relationship with my sons father.

All the comments on how “women are crazy” or “can’t handle you being away”…there are so many. So many that I kept trying to be not a “typical woman”..but at the end of the day…I’m a FUCKING WOMAN.. We have hormones. When treated with respect and when communicated with ( good or bad)..we handle things alot different.

At the end of the day, knowing that your other female friends are more important, that you would rather hang out with them than me..shows I am just a piece of ass to you. A fuck doormat. I disgusted with myself.

Speech Therapy on Thursday I found out alot of things. Between work, and assessments and working with my son, I’m not going to have time anyway.

I feel like such a fool. I can only blame myself though. You are who you are. I knew better than to fall for you. You just made me feel so incredible. I wanted to take this slow, I wanted to make it work… But I can’t make you want the same thing. More importantly…I’m a package deal. Who ever I end up with.. needs to WANT to DEAL with my TRUE REALITY eventually. I wouldn’t expect or want my boys to get to know someone who wasn’t going to stick around. I need to be with someone who wants me not just because the sex is amazing…but who wants to be in a relationship..

and I sure as hell will not go through this fucking pain again…

Related articles

• Sept 3 2011. The email I SHOULD HAVE SENT (overseashottieandme.wordpress.com)
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• What is True Happiness? (zazenlife.com)
• For the Love of God, Will We Ever Stop Asking if Men and Women Can Really Be ‘Just Friends’? (jezebel.com)

 

Songs. Once made me cry now don’t

So I stopped writing about overseashottieandme awhile ago because we became friends back in November and I promised him I would stop writing about him.

I’m glad we finally talked. Worked out lots of crap. Seen him twice since we became friends. Had many conversations. That’s something that we always had, good conversation.

Anyway I saw him recently and overseashottieandme discussed alot of things. Was a great time. Some crap came out I didn’t know. At first was very upset. PISSED to be more correct. But we chatted about it. For the first time in the 27 + months since we started communicating felt good to have honesty.

So I was messed up about it all for three days after I found out everything I didn’t know. All the bull from last summer blew up again in my face and mind. All the pain I held in for so long exploded like a volcano.

The following week, I started to feel better. Then I met the most amazing person. First time since I met overseashottieandme I actually FELT and FEEL nothing for overseashottieandme.

I have never met someone so respectful. So kind. He is tall, an Engineer. Father of two teens and I met him through LinkedIn. Have had three dates. Was not expecting to connect like this with anyone. But happy I have.

 

Trinity baptist Church

Reblogged from Crazy Christian meets Pagan Princess:

This week is the start of the Wisdom of words. Normally I don't have a clue what each Sunday will be about. This is because I don't come here on time. In the beginning when I started taking the boys to church last June 2012, I wasn't on time. Sunday school didn't start until after singing. It was much too difficult to have two little kids upstairs in "church".

Read more… 107 more words

 

Humility rather than humiliation.

Humility is a beautiful thing. It’s something I’ve learned the past years since I had children. I’ve learned that giving from my heart for someone else is more important than trying to see what giving will do for me.

It’s something I talk about a lot. I talk about Napoleon Hills book “think and grow rich”. In this book he talks about the three most powerful emotions. That being ” Faith, Sex and Love”. I write that on every mirror. Now the deeper of that is FAITH being Believing. Believing in oneself. Believing in the power of those around us,

 

Emmanuel Baptist Church Vernon BC

Wow…..so as you all know I’ve been transitioning to a new church from Vernon to Kelowna. I’ve been torn. Well I’ve been torn because I really liked the pastor here inVernon.

Well today in here in Vernon. Today our pastor just resigned. I take this as a sign. A sign that I will keep going in Kelowna.

This church has been the foundation for my personal transition. Personal change. Personal openness to rethink my life. Rethink my attitude. To give over take.

But this is sad to me. Robert( The pastor) had a way of getting to me. It was like he read my thoughts. Talked about what I was struggling with. I could feel the whole churches energy drop when he gave his resignation.

Being very new to church not new to faith. This was the most odd feeling I’ve ever had. Well in my life of faith and church.

 

Trinity Baptist Kelowna

So it’s been a tough weekend. Anyone who read my post a few months ago about my relationship knows things are not great. Alcohol, anger from within on both our parts. But he shows his when his kids come. Well his son. Because his daughter left the same day I first came to Trinity Baptist. She apparently is saying she left because of me I found out last night as he shoved me. Though the night she left. She left because he didn’t believe her when she was late. When she tried to explain herself he SHOUTED…..”shut the fuck up” to her. I know this because because my beautiful step daughter told me in tears the night he did it. Her mom came and picked her up a few hours later.

So since that day lots has happened in her life. Her boyfriend whom she had broke up with in December for another boy whom after getting what he wanted dumped her and then she went back yo the first boyfriend….well on his birthday HE broke up with her for another girl.

Teens will be teens. 17 is tough. So I’m sure to her now in her mind she left because of me. But I was there through all of December..

Since her dad and I moved in together in October lots has happened. The anger on my part started when he literally threw my stuff when he helped move me in. Which I have pictures of. Now why did he do this? Well because he was pretending to care. He was drunk. If course I didn’t know him well enough to understand his alcohol problem.

Next, the fighting started. I wasn’t working and only bringing in a small amount of money. He was paying the rent. Though I was paying all the bills which thank goodness my father has helped me and we are catching up. Well he KICKED US OUT….yes kicked me and my two little kids. Both under 5 in the dead of winter…..this started in October. This occurred three times a month until January. Except January when he did it I had paid half the rent. Then his threat was he was leaving.

So I made the decision to go back to work. I applied to every job that came up. I reinstated my Mary Kay too. Got hired to s job and what did he then do…,,worked one job. And spent that money on alcohol And himself. .

My father has been here helping with the kids, the food, the bills and Rob sits in the basement hiding alcohol. Drives to pick up his son intoxicated even when I beg him not to and offer to pick him up.

He told his kids I did drugs too. Which is NOT TRUE. HE HATES WOMEN. And pretends not too. I just want him gone. Love both his kids. But have no idea what lies he has told them or people about me.

His mother sent me this messed up message last night because she saw something I quoted about Rob saying and thought it was MY WORDS.

THIS IS SO MESSED fUP but I’m not going to allow him to do this anymore.

I can only pray he will move out.

 

Trinity baptist Kelowna BC

The more I bring myself and my sons to church the stronger I am in everyday life. I find I prefer the “size” of the 9am service. But prefer the vibe of the evening and 11 o’clock am.

Today they are talking about our “story” of how we found god. I love it. It’s like being in sales training. Right down to the elevator speech.

I love how down to earth the pastor is. Yet to the point.

Which I’m doing right now. Lol.

 

Career conference. Absolutely Amazing.

So I wrote this in church today. Still motivated. Feeling on fire. Currently after what took place tonight I feel the opposite. I feel betrayed. I feel hurt/ angry/ confused. What ever. Lets just say things over text are never good.

So got home last night from career conference around 11pm. I sat with a woman on the bus home whom I had been drawn to since I signed up the first time. I get inspired by women who have been single parents and have done what ever it takes to support their children and give them a better life. Their energy just exceeds all.

I went from think Mary Kay was a great commission and a great product. To something so much deeper. Mary Kay built this company to enrich women’s lives help the underdog. The battered woman who is afraid to leave her husband. The emotionally drained mother who has given to everyone but herself. The woman that is not appreciated in her current career. Current situation. Current life. It’s like May Kay from beyond the grave reaches out and grabs her hand and brings her out if darkness. Let her see the light of faith. Light of love. Light of putting their Faith and Family first then a career. A career that not only helps her but every woman she touches.

Mark my words. I will empower everyone I touch. I will give all the love on my heart to those whom I know, whom I meet snd even those I don’t.
Anyone who thinks they “can’t ” is right. But everyone who BELIEVES.,,,will achieve.