So…I’ve been a fucking doormat this whole trip back. Really i think it started after you stayed here the first time. You have pushed me away, cut me down, made me feel insecure countless times. Yet there has been other times you have treated me like a princess. Made me feel more amazing than I have felt in years. Usually though, those are nights you are intoxicated and we’re having sex..so I ask myself…is that even real. Or is that just saying what I want to hear to get laid.
You have been my “escape” from reality since we met. Originally..you made me smile and better yet laugh. Then our chats online prior to meeting..were nice. Wasn’t able to have a REAL life…but I had this, what seemed to be a great “cyber” friendship. Unlike this summer, I could discuss shit I was ghoing through with out feeling insecure about your reaction.
When we met, you were nothing like I had expected. We both know it was amazing. Again though..escaping from reality. My ex was here, so we could see each other when we wanted to. Made things more desirable. Our online chats were amazing and hot..and fun. I had not felt that HAPPY in years….
But then we slept together. Everything changed. As happens anytime two people have sex too soon. You changed. At least to how you treated me. I remember saying to you online that “my reality” might scare you..and you’re reply at that point..was “you would be lucky to be part of my reality”( something like that)…You made comments about meeting ur family, doing things together…
Then you spent the night…and you saw MY reality. I felt your energy shift and you did get distant. And, this trip back you have admitted that you didn’t know where this was going.
I feel like the shittiest mother ever! I became that woman I swore I would never be. You have went out of your way, especially last time we saw each other to tell me how “indifferent” and how you “just wouldn’t deal with” and how “even your friends don’t want kids..except for Kevin” And what did I do, I acted like a pathetic insecure single mom…because I fell for you. Because when I’m with you…I don’t think about the shit I can’t control.
You have said countless times, that you don’t care on the level I deserve. Which to me means, you liked me, until I became this pathetic woman who allows you to walk all over me. Never in my years have I been like this. all I can chalk it up to is my current situation being so stressful and when I’m with you…USUALLY…..You can make me feel AMAZING.
The way you look at me when you WANT to be GOOD to me, is amazing. But when you want to be cruel, oh your good at that too. I have been more sad this summer since we met than I was my whole relationship with my sons father.
All the comments on how “women are crazy” or “can’t handle you being away”…there are so many. So many that I kept trying to be not a “typical woman”..but at the end of the day…I’m a FUCKING WOMAN.. We have hormones. When treated with respect and when communicated with ( good or bad)..we handle things alot different.
At the end of the day, knowing that your other female friends are more important, that you would rather hang out with them than me..shows I am just a piece of ass to you. A fuck doormat. I disgusted with myself.
Speech Therapy on Thursday I found out alot of things. Between work, and assessments and working with my son, I’m not going to have time anyway.
I feel like such a fool. I can only blame myself though. You are who you are. I knew better than to fall for you. You just made me feel so incredible. I wanted to take this slow, I wanted to make it work… But I can’t make you want the same thing. More importantly…I’m a package deal. Who ever I end up with.. needs to WANT to DEAL with my TRUE REALITY eventually. I wouldn’t expect or want my boys to get to know someone who wasn’t going to stick around. I need to be with someone who wants me not just because the sex is amazing…but who wants to be in a relationship..
and I sure as hell will not go through this fucking pain again…
- Sept 3 2011. The email I SHOULD HAVE SENT (overseashottieandme.wordpress.com)
- You Don’t Need To Be Insecure (thoughtcatalog.com)
- Cool Aunt Advice (creoleindc.typepad.com)
- What is True Happiness? (zazenlife.com)
- For the Love of God, Will We Ever Stop Asking if Men and Women Can Really Be ‘Just Friends’? (jezebel.com)